Cold weather today
Shrinks all the male private parts
Machismo crisis
Author Archives: Tony Dornacher
Overheard at the Leather Bar
During a recent visit of our friends Dan and Sean from Atlanta, we took the opportunity to explore a number of bars not on our usual rotation.
Saddled up to the bar, soaking in the atmosphere, I overheard the most interesting conversation. In any other setting, I probably would have tuned out chatter. At Touche, one of Chicago’s neighborhood leather bars, the two leather clad gentlemen behind me peaked my interest.
Leather Daddy 1: Honey, what do you do?
Leather Daddy 2: I’m a general manager for Panera Bread.
Leather Daddy 1: [In a high squeaky, excited voice] Oh my God! I love the food at Panera Bread. I eat there at lease three times a week.
Leather Daddy 2: That’s great. What do you do?
Leather Daddy 1: I work at the Louis Vuitton store.
Leather Daddy 2: [Pregnant pause]
Leather Daddy 1: [The voice still high and squeaky] The place is crazy. I can’t believe the bags are so expensive and they aren’t even leather!
Leather Daddy 2: Grunts … I have to take a piss, I’ll be back in a minute
Leather Daddy 1: I’ll be here
Leather Daddy 2 did not return. While having a beer, who wants to hear their expensive Louis Vuitton wallet, man purse, and luggage are made from pleather.
Holiday Cheer
We ran out to pick up a couple of things for the condo on Saturday. Those last few things to aid you in organizing and unpacking the final tower of the boxes.
I normally would not have ventured out on a Saturday so close to Christmas, but we had company coming and I was desperate to finish unpacking.
Between the volume of traffic, cars blocking intersections, parking space thieves and people just plain cranky, our one hour trip turned into three.
At the start of our adventure I was smiling and cheery. Near the end, my smile turned upside-down, and my cheer soured as I guarded the cart, wondering when a shopping hawk would swoop in and snatch something from it.
The decline in holiday cheer has me contemplating what the Holiday season is about and why Santa does not deliver more coal Christmas morning.
A String of Responsibility
Pet ownership has so many responsibilities.
There are the everyday items:
- Food
- Water
- Walking
- Poop removal
- Play time
- Lots of love
Then the every-so-often list:
- Vet visits
- Boarding (someone has to fill in while we sneak away)
I would never have thought my responsibilities were going to extend much beyond the basics and the every-so-often items, till tonight. Any type of rain brings with it a list of animal challenges ranging from muddy paw prints to wet dog smell.
LongJohn and Buster dislike the rain and will do their best to remain under cover of the porch. After some gentle persuasion, Buster followed me to the lawn for his bedtime constitution. He sniffed a bit, found the perfect spot and struck a pose. I shifted my attention to LongJohn; everyone deserves a bit of privacy while squatting.
After a few moments, I turned to find Buster still squatting. I wondered if he found some good reading material and was just relaxing.
Then I realized he was in the middle of a poop crises; things were hanging on. His poop seemed to be stuck in, well, mid-poop. “Bloody hell”, I mumbled, realizing Buster needed some type of assistance.
I grabbed a nearby leaf and gave a gentle tug. I won’t string you along … let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.
I am currently pondering the benefits of rope tug toys while thanking the “Poop Gods” Buster’s situation did not require an emergency visit to the vet.
Question of the Day
A friend of a friend just lost her job. (Yeah, I know that sounds like the rest of the post will be full of crap. I have meet this “friend of a friend” a couple of times and her dilemma doesn’t surprise me.) A couple of months ago, she had scheduled breast augmentation surgery and made a non-refundable deposit.
The question of the day … After loosing your job, do you cancel the boob job and forfeit the deposit so you can eat or skip the food and get a new rack?
I vote for the new boobs … if you eat less, the new boobs will look even bigger. More boob for the buck.
She was in agreement and went ahead with the surgery. Along with her inquiry to friends about possible job openings, she sent a picture of her new boobs and an update on the healing.
Manly Veggies
If someone made veggie porn, this guy is the perfect candidate.
Once, Twice, Three Times – This FAGGOT is Pissed
Once, Twice, Three Times – This FAGGOT is Pissed
He sighed and told me
It happened again
Another drive by
“Fucking Faggot!”
My anger bubbles
My shoulders tense
How does he remain calm?
I take deep breaths
To calm my boiling rage
As I regain my composure
My shoulders relax
Then I realize …
I’m still really pissed off
Las Vegas the True Epicenter
Friday night may signal our demise as a Superpower and the true decline of down home family values.
Beginning Friday, the Las Vegas Marriage Bureau ended it’s era of 24 hour weddings on Friday and Saturday nights. Someone tell me how will a celebrity can get discretely married? How can the average Joe have a spontaneous wedding to his true love, the cocktail waitress he met at the craps table?
It is a sign, the beginning of the end.
Just Another Word
FAGGOT
A car drives past
A young man shouts
“FAGGOT”
Another word
Just like any other word.
Or is it?
A rainbow of emotions and questions …
Fear … Will they become violent?
Shock … How can this happen here?
Those thoughts flash in my mind
That flash is gone
Now it’s ANGER
Or is it RAGE
How dare that man call me a “FAGGOT”
He’s not a man … He’s a coward
Hiding in his car
Shouting “FAGGOT” while driving by
Frightened little coward
Every time I think about it
The RAGE
Surges within me
The RAGE frightens me
More than the coward
Who yelled “Faggot”
I take another deep, slow breath
Letting go of the rage
After all, faggot is just another word
Fortune Cookies
While in Chinatown, I picked up a bag of fortune cookies to munch on. My first tasty treat, produced some good fortune … “You will do well to expand your business.”
I suddenly remembered a delighfully immature game we used to play while reading our fortunes. Everyone at the table had to add, “…between the sheets” to the end of every fortune.
“You will do well to expand your business between the sheets.”
I grabbed the next cookie to see what else would happen between the sheets.
“Find release from your cares, have a good time between the sheets.”
That was it, I was hooked and had to know what other grand fortunes were in my future.
“Today is a good day for being with a companion between the sheets.”
“Be careful not to overspend this month between the sheets.”
“An upward movement initiated in time can counteract fate between the sheets.”
“You have a friendly heart and are well admired between the sheets.”
“You are only starting on your path to success between the sheets.”
“An admirer finds you very charming between the sheets.”
“Many admire your social and physical appearance between the sheets.”
“You will find hidden treasures where least expected between the sheets.”
Ten fortune cookies on top of lunch made for one hell of a full belly (can we say Buddha). Even if I couldn’t live up to my fortunes that evening … “My happiness was guaranteed … between the sheets.”